Wait, here’s what I’m not going to do…let’s imagine any old evening; I will not have that creeping feeling that I should be logging on to my laptop and checking my work email. I will not, the next day, search the inner reaches of my memory to recall the dial-in code to conference calls when I am driving, on the school run. I will not have to tell my kids to be quiet or worst still gesture at them furiously to pipe down because ‘someone important’ has called me. I will not have to sit opposite my boss (who by the way was lovely, but nevertheless) and be appraised once a year and told that I have been given a rating between 1 and 4 for my performance and contribution. I will not have to put on high heels and drive to work in them, and stumble across the car-park balancing briefcase and handbag and keys and phone. I will not have that wild ‘what-day-is-it?’ feeling as soon as my eyes open where I immediately start planning contingencies, virtually in my sleep. I will not come home to dirty breakfast dishes, still on my kitchen table.
|via patterson maker|
But I will no longer have colleagues. I will not go for coffee and kill an hour on someone else’s time (or dollar). I will not get peppy emails telling me of new company endeavours and policies. I will no longer know the very latest in developments, patents and amazing achievements of my former employer. I will no longer have that flush of pride when I speak about my profession.
What I will do is look after my family, and try to preempt their needs (and mine). I will walk the dog and strengthen my body again. I will search after well being – although it feels sometimes as if I am trying to capture something as nebulous as a fire fly. I will get good sleep. I will read. I will write. I will decide where to go with the oils. I will have flowers indoors; often. I will have lazy chats with my kids in those stolen moments at the end of the day when they serve up little bits of wisdom or worry. I will clean my house. I will surely sigh as I do so, knowing that I live with three people who seem to do nothing but mess up my clean house.
And the irony is that despite the fact that I think I am changing my life and being free of the constraints that held me, I see something like this and note that I am just hiding in the corner whilst the world carries on in the rest of the room. I have huge admiration for those who can really live a different life; one that goes beyond choosing a different destination for their holidays or fretting over what to wear or such ‘small’ decisions. There just isn’t really a radical bone in my body and I don’t generally get wanderlust or feel that I should teach my children about the world by visiting every part of it with them. Is that wrong? Surely in the end it comes down to bravery and temperament? But at the moment, I am taking a big cleansing breath and starting fresh, my way.