I go through a series of life phases which take up residence and then last a few months. Lather, rinse, repeat. At the moment things feel…how can I say?…tiring. Tricky. In fact as I write that I wonder whether they are in fact tricky or whether it is me who finds this to be the case? I wonder about my tenacity. I wish I were stronger. Then I wish I could be kinder to myself because I know deep down I can be strong enough.
I knew that this Spring would represent a bit of a strange time. We have a house to finish, I have time to kill before I start my Masters, my children are growing and changing every day. I am still locked into the daily life of a housewife and not getting any better at it! It feels like I have been the parent of a teenager for the longest time and I remind myself that it has ONLY been a year! Teenage parenting is a bit like childbirth; when you are in it, you just get your head down and hope to come out the other side! And when I do I suspect I will block out the truth of it and forget just how challenging a time it was!
I don’t want to do my beautiful teenage daughter a disservice; I am sure one day she will read this and think: wtf? Actually, she is doing fine. It’s me and my reactions that are not. There are some people who breeze through life – the glass-half-full people – my husband is one, I can attest to their existence. But being a glass-half-empty person? Yep, it’s a white knuckle ride.
In amongst this there’s other baggage about keeping my cool and actually being the grown up. I can still listen to music from the 1980’s and literally feel my heart clench with nostalgia for my youth. I wonder, on a daily basis, how did I get to be a 41 year old?! Much as I am ‘owning’ being in my 40’s and like many of the good things that come with it, it is still a shock to me that I am this age. And the biggest observation I would make about all of this is that the more time you have to think about it, the fewer answers present themselves. Funny how that goes.
There are rooms in my house so in need of renovation that I can barely bring myself to walk into them! There is an inevitability about the building work that is to come; we can’t not do it, we are neck deep and must complete. But the prospect of it makes me need to take a deep inward breath. No one likes living like that. I concentrate on the end point and the styling and how it will all be worth it. I try to imagine the farmhouse we currently have and what it will look like when the entire back wall of the house is taken off and replaced with glass. I idle away hours looking for the perfect image of the interplay between old and new. I fret about whether my slightly strange, Danish, quirky interior style will translate. Let’s see…
But most of all I try to remind myself that all of these things – these so-called ‘First World Problems’ pale into insignificance really. I have a healthy, happy family and we have a roof over our heads. That should be enough shouldn’t it?!
Oh and I started writing. Like properly writing. A password protected document on my computer with the title ‘book’.
Have a great weekend!